Hard Day….
Today, as in many others, has been a hard day. I recently had to stop taking my current antidepressants because ALL of my hair is falling out from them. Needless to say…I am grouchy, sad, and easily pushed to my limits. I have also been talking to old friends, with whom I used to use with. I cannot tell a lie, or should I say….will not? Anyway I have been going down some roads that I know will lead to me using. Wanting to indulge in behaviors/actions that I know I cannot without being drunk or stoned. I know I should stay away from these people and stop these actions and what not but its hard. Temptation gets the better of me. Loneliness is also a HUGE factor! How can I be lonely with two children and a husband, you ask? EASY! I cannot talk to my children about adult things, they can’t peak my interests and communicate with me on a level that I need to feel comfort. And my husband? When he’s not a work….he’s not here. Well his mind is never on the same wave length as mine. He too, is like a child sometimes. I never really feel like he can or wants to talk about important, adult topics. I want things, NEED things! And for some reason I feel that the people from my past and people I know I shouldn’t associate with can give me these things. Maybe I am like an adrenaline junkie….I know I am in danger of losing my sobriety so maybe it gives me a rush? Maybe it gives me something exciting in my life. I’m not really sure. I want to stop but I need these people to talk to, they give me comfort.
I have been thinking about using over the past week. I am searching once more for the feeling of belonging, wanting to fit in with my peers. I want to sit in a room with the boys and pass a joint around talking about stupid unimportant things and laughing. Making jokes and feeling like they really think I am funny and interesting. Maybe I am just bored with myself. I feel like I am so predictable, someone who was once spontaneous and fun is now…a mom and a wife. I miss the excitement of not knowing where I was going or who was coming. I miss the unscheduled days, the freedom. But I also know that spontaneous freedom was also a lie, it was a prison and I need to remember that. I need to remember I am not that person. I like organization. I love having food in my cupboards, a warm clean bed to sleep in, knowing my children and myself are safe. I’m not really sure where this post is aimed I just know I am feeling scared and overwhelmed and I’m not quite sure who/where to turn. I feel like any millisecond I will lose it all and give into the demon.
